Life Hacks by Joy

Balancing work and motherhood is never easy. But there are ways you can make everyday cleaning, maintenance, mothering, dishwashering, emotional support, nutritious meals, ideating, planning, household repairs, fitness, conference calls, friendships, calorie counting, creative fulfillment, transportation to and from activities, spiritual growth, presenting to executives, and your dating life less of a pain - you just need to find the right hacks!

1. Don't wash your kids.

They'll mostly smell fine for up to 48 hours in winter and like 2 hours in summer (field tested). Remind them not to touch you with their sticky little fingers or feet, and you won't really notice that they're covered in bacteria. If you've got an enclosed shower, it's possible to train them to shoot one another with a hand-held shower head to remove the outermost layer of crust. Frequent-enough visits with a grandmother will ensure inspection and completion of finger and toenail grooming, removing one more item from your to-do list.

2. Alcohol.

Pour some vodka right on top of your most complicated feelings, and they'll come out wrinkle-free in just 10 minutes or less.

Tired of the nauseating taste of plain vodka? Cheap, cherry-flavored vodka only has about 10 calories more per shot - so you can stay focused on your figure while numbing yourself against death.

3. Laundry. 

Learn to swim in it. Learn to surf in it. You are one with it, and it is you. One time, your kid might fold a towel. Then she'll pull it back out and demand that you make it into a strapless dress for her. Dress her, and watch her perform a highly suggestive dance to a profanity-riddled pop song  as you fold more towels, crying quietly.

4. Amazon that shit.

Don't you dare be smug. Don't you do it. Don't say, "Their labor practices are awful! Amazon advertises on Breitbart. Amazon destroys small business!" It's all true, but you're a slave to the capitalist machine now, baby. Join it, or be chewed up and spit out by it. You put that birthday present in your virtual cart and pay for it, so you don't have to go into an actual, physical store with your children trailing behind you, wailing about how they also need a plastic trash thing you're buying for some kid in their class who has two parents with two, whole incomes. You get it delivered right to your goddamned door, and you put it in a bag you saved from your own kid's birthday, and you drive to Chuck E. Cheese. You get the pinkeye and eat the blue frosting your kid raked off her cupcake. Embrace it. You have blue teeth now and pink eyes. You’re a beautiful monster.  Live in the moment.

5. Dinner.

Just buy them the fast food. Chicken nuggets in the facehole. At home, remediate your guilty food conscience by force-feeding them berries, leaves, and all manner of twigs. The children won't drink water, so make it a game to see who can finish all their water the fastest. If you're lucky, they won't throw up.

6. Don't get behind.

You can't let a dish sit in the sink. It will come to life and eat your family. You have to wash every dish as it happens. Launder every item of clothes as it's made dirty. Launder everything, every day. If you don't, you'll lose your job and your homeless family will starve. Maintain this level of urgency around staying on top of things for years, and your house can stay mostly sane.

7. iPad.

Let the iPad father your children, so you can take a shower, sob quietly, or sleep in on a weekend morning.

8. Leverage your insomnia.

If you find yourself awake for hours in the dead of night, use that time for self-care. For instance, pursue your life-long creative passions, or moisturize your skin with one of those neat paper masks while lying on the floor of your bathroom reading the internet. You be the boss of your insomnia, so it doesn't become the boss of you.

9. Cats.

Put as many cats as are socially acceptable in your home, and then add about 3 more. They will walk on you at night, and maybe you can hug them sometimes. On social media, subscribe to as many cat-related pages as you can. The fat, fluffy delight of internet cats will drown out the news reports of children in cages, sanctimonious carrying-on about fetuses from your religious friends, or other horrors of the modern word. Just cats.

10. Alcohol.

We've covered this one, but it bears repeating.


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